Welcome To Rantuary!
(Caution: May contain traces of overt CAPITALISATION and ill-directed, word-based rage.)
It’s hot at the moment. Which is generally an effect of the summer, however when I say that it’s hot at the moment what I really mean to say is that Melbourne as a city has transcended the ordinary meteorological realm and elevated itself into a climate usually reserved for fictional universes. Places like Mordor or Hell.
A heat wave has unleashed its Charizard-like intensity onto the unsuspecting public who the week before had been whining about an unusually cool and overcast start to the year.
Whichever deity we have managed to piss off, they’ve let loose a scorching week of 40 plus days (for those who use Fahrenheit that’s like 104 plus five days running with the overnight low of 100) and it’s starting to take it’s toll.
Not only have there been bushfires exploding all over the country (if you go on the CFA website to look up spot fires in the state in looks like some Sim City scenario gone horribly wrong) but the Australian Open had to enact it’s ‘hot weather protocol plan delta six four six’ and halted play yesterday after thermometers across the country went on strike. This was after a Canadian player got so hot and delirious he started to believe Snoopy was bouncing around on the other side of net (having said that, the beloved beagle has a mean forehand and won 6-1, 6-3, 6-0).
It’s hot. As the great Robin Williams said: “It’s so hot I can cook things in my shorts.”
And as a result of the oppressive heat and the lack of air-conditioning in the house I am currently house-sitting with my girlfriend (because we all know that if you don’t look after a house while it’s owners are away it will stay up late watching SBS porn and drinking nana’s Pimms) I have been turned into a sun burnt Hulk with bad tan lines.
So I’ve dubbed this month Rantuary and in honour of this new title I will be writing a new rant every day (or so) about something that’s making me see red (that isn’t just my reflection in the mirror after going outside to get the mail).
And yes I am aware that it’s like more than halfway through the month, but you know what? MY ANGER HAS STOPPED ME FROM BEING ABLE TO COMPREHEND DATES IN THE TRADITIONAL FASHION AND EVERYTHING HAS JUST BLURRED INTO HEAT.
And On The First Day of Rantuary My True Rage Gave To Me: Derryn Hinch.
So between sets down at Rod Laver Arena, there are actually things going on in the world and occasionally you get a glimpse at what they are when for an hour every day Channel 7 give you a break from the grunting, aces and commentators getting people’s names wrong and then covering it up by referring to them as their nationality (I’m looking at you Macavaney) to bring you the news. And then something that’s dressed like news and quacks like a duck but is not a duck nor is it news.
That would be Today Tonight. Something I avoid like Candy Crush requests.
However in an exhausted state from cheering a bit too hard for someone I don’t know in a sport I can’t play, I sweltered through the news and forgot to do anything when it eventually became the oxymoronic current affairs program.
Normally the show alone is enough to set me off.
But this instalment was going to serve up a whole new level of rage because it featured the self-proclaimed ‘Human Headline’ (which I think roughly translates to: guy who does stupid things and makes headlines for being a wanker) that is former shock-jock, part-time ‘defender of free speech’ and full-time dickhead Derryn Hinch. You may remember him from that time he was on Dancing with the Stars, but if you need help he looks Don Burke had too much plastic surgery and didn’t age well and then got into beard-scaping.
He’s the kind of conservative, out-spoken asshat that makes the gibbering homeless man in the park look like a poet laureate. A man whose sensationalist idiocy is thinly disguised as investigative journalism. Basically he’s an idiot. But recently he went from just an idiot to fully fledged moron, like a phoenix born from the ashes of stupidity.
His latest ridiculous battle in his ‘war against those liberal bastards taking away our free speech’ saw him reveal information about an ongoing criminal investigation, information that the police had asked to be suppressed due to the horrific nature of the crime and the fact that it would taint any jury that was brought in during the trial, therefore not allowing for a fair trial.
So Hinch decided that he would take it upon himself to do this anyway and broke the law by breaking the suppression order. Something he does a bit on his quest for truth, justice and ratings.
After the whole incident the police fined Hinch and said that if he didn’t pay the fine he’d go to prison (after all he’d been under house arrest for doing THE EXACT SAME THING a few years back).
Well Hinchy, the stalwart pillar of integrity that he is, came out yesterday (not like that unfortunately because that WOULD BE THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING EVER CONSIDERING HIS AUDIENCE) and said that he wasn’t paying the fine and would be serving the jail time because he was a man of principles.
I have done farts with more principles than Derryn Hinch.
Apparently this was him taking a stand in the battle against ‘political correctness’ and the oppression of the truth, and isn’t he a fucking hero? He made a special announcement on a show that he works for and is paid a lot to appear on. And it was about principles?
Not only that but for the twenty-minutes before and after, Channel 7 ran the story in their news updates saying that ‘Derryn Hinch was making huge sacrifice.’ Sacrifice? SACRIFICE? Derryn Hinch seems to believe he’s some sort of Mandela, only instead of going to prison trying to break the shackles of oppression against an entire race of people, Hinch is going to prison because he’s an idiot who knowingly broke the law so that he could get more hits on his blog.
He interfered with a police investigation that could have resulted in a murderer walking free because he just couldn’t help himself.
And despite the best efforts of Channel 7 and Hinch, there’s no sympathy here. Only stupidity.
So my keyboard took a hammering, but my urge to set fire to random people…I mean things has diminished significantly. Look out for the next instalment when Tom gets angry at things that probably aren’t worth the effort but IT’S HOT AND I’M MAD AND WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO USE A PORTMANTEAU LIKE RANTUARY AGAIN???