And like the manner of introductions employed by a certain composer from the Baroque period whenever he was forced to meet a new prostitute or fanboy: I’m Bach (COMPOSER PUNS!). After an extended absence I have returned to this blog with a vengeance, or if not a vengeance then at least a Ron Swanson-esque sense of barely suppressed rage, and some proactivity (not the kind endorsed by airbrushed celebrities). As to the reasons behind my disappearance, I wish to make two statements.
The First Statement.
Rumours of my death have been mildly exaggerated.
(Apologies to Mr. Twain).
The Second Statement.
A wizard did it.
Cast a spell, I mean.
I mean, a wizard did a spell on me.
It was a wizard and there was magic and he cast this spell and then I was all like, “No, stop you wizard!” and then he said some stuff which I didn’t understand because he was a wizard and wasn’t speaking a language I was familiar with because it was most likely a long forgotten, arcane use of verbs and synonyms no-one has spoken for at least the last 900 years but he knew those words because he is a timeless wizard of great force.
And his spell stopped me from doing stuff.
Specifically this sort of stuff.
It was the work of the notorious Wizard of Christmas Mirth and Holidays.
And his ability to intoxicate the soul with an over abundance of food and relaxation, causing the victim to struggle to function in a non-vacation mode.
But now I’m cured.
If you see this wizard, be careful because he’s a dick.
Like he has the words ‘mirth’ and ‘christmas’ in his official title, but it’s totally misleading because he’s actually a massive douchebag.
Like borrow your complete, boxset of Lost and not return it.
Or spoil the ending to that book you’d been wanting to read for ages.
Shit like that.
He should be called the Wizard of Ruining and Ugly.
But unfortunately he only appears around Christmas time, so he technically is entitled to use of the holiday in his official wizard title.
On an unrelated note I also met the Wizard of Skulls and Death and he is actually really lovely and should be called the Wizard of Tea and Friendship, but that was already taken.
It was an eventful hiatus.
Moving ever onwards. Today isn’t really an eye-opening post of deep insight, so if you came for that sort of thing I’m not really sorry because let’s be honest if you came here looking for that kind of thing you don’t really deserve an apology because…seriously. Deep insight? Here? Go find a turtle to talk to instead. Those guys are deep. Instead this is really a mission statement of sorts, which isn’t as cool as it sounds like it should be (for example no mission statements are really a stating of a secret mission, which makes sense because if you state a secret mission in a format accessible by all around you…you kind of fucked up the first part of having a secret mission). My mission statement is more of a promise of proactiveness in a public place (ALITERATION TOP SCORE!) with the intention behind it being that if I put up here what my aim is for the year then I am more inclined to follow through with it rather than back out and face the wrath of the whole Internet (wrath being an excellent word that makes you excited when you say it, try and not be excited when you say the word ‘wrath’. I dare you. It is impossible).
So what does 2013 hold for one Tom Reed: Procrastinator in Chief and Bolognaise enthusiast? Well as you may or may not have noticed I am a firm believer in the making and maintaining of lists (because what man cannot put in list form I don’t much care for), so what better way to outline my endeavours then in an excellent listed format. Not only is it easy on the eyes but it is also low in sodium and contains no traces of pandas (that can be scientifically proven).
Endeavours of Expansion (Listed In Order of Atomic Weight & Sexual Orientation).
1. Previously I attempted to talk about football in a way that wasn’t just verbose hyperbole and constant tautology, unfortunately this endeavour was thwarted by my laptop shitting itself. Now that this has been rectified (pun not intended but maybe a little), I would like to present my first expansionary idea: The second edition or rather the reboot of An Unconventional Footy Fan. Keep an eye out for it appearing as a separate page in the thing. Check the thing. Unless you’re a certain asshole master of sorcery. Then you can fuck right off.
2. The second endeavour (this list is painfully short actually and would probably have been better in bullet point format rather than the standard numerical, as this would have not drawn as much attention to fakt that this list is literally two items long…fuck you wizard, you put off my game) is a serial, episodic (and perhaps short-lived but let’s support it anyway) story of a young man named Jupiter Brown who’s room-mate is a hammer and who falls in love with a hurricane. Broken down that should read: Jupiter Brown’s room-mate is the human embodiment of Thor’s mighty hammer and he has fallen in love with a girl surrounded by a small storm front. WOO! So once again look to the skies (small toolbar) for the appearance of Jupiter Brown Mythsteries.
So now that my intentions have been made clear, you can return to whatever it was you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you with mah hollerin’. Have a lovely thyme.