The Importance Of Spam.

Hello again. So I didn’t post anything last week. You may or may not have noticed. Although I’m starting to think that it’s the latter, considering that my ‘readers’ appear to be mostly of the tinned, not-quite-ham variety. That is to say that every time I return to suss out my blog (yes I’m shallow and I suss out my blog to see if someone else besides my reflection, girlfriend and that mouldy sandwich that has mutated a yeast-based larynx allowing it to speak in a series of racial slurs and sexist remarks is listening to me…although my reflection has grown bored with me from time to time and temporarily absconded from it’s respective reflective surface) I experience a moment of Internet-fuelled europhoria when I see that there are 18 comments pending my approval. This europhria promptly jumps behind the wheel of mini-van, intoxicated beyond reason, and drives into a collection of trees and walls when it becomes apparent that these 18 comments are not expressions of delight or requests for more insightful commentary into the world of made up apartment monsters, but are instead ‘brilliantly’ composed hunks of spam.

Which was upsetting. For a little bit. But then I realised that maybe I shouldn’t be so disheartened by the spam. Perhaps I should take it as a compliment. Like when your younger brother imitates you as a kid and your mum’s all like: ‘Imitation is the highest form of flattery’, but I still get sued when I pretend to be Geoffrey Rush at certain functions in order to get free shit and accolades (even though we look nothing alike and he is an actor of the highest calibre and I’m just drunk and trying to score free cider). You know. Like that. So I did. I decided that the fakt that spam had accumulated on the shore of my blog was not a sign that all of the other ships had found a better way (or just had my part of the map crossed out) but that the shitty, corrugated tin, chipped wood, homemade ‘boats’ with the sails made of underpants were welcome visitors who had taken great lengths to get across pirate-shark infested waters to arrive here. That these huddled masses of poorly constructed text, advertising and compliments (because you’re not going to click on spam that calls you a dickhead are you?) were my colonists (which makes them sound like people who explore large intestines…). I mean someone out there, felt that my blog was deserving of the time it takes to post some nonsensical spam. That’s a good thing. Right? RIGHT?

Of course I know that most of the spam posted here is, in all likelihood, not even the product of human fingertips. But just because all the other kids tell you the tooth-fairy is horseshit doesn’t mean you stop pulling out your brothers teeth and stashing them under your pillow in the hope of financial reward. So even though the strangely worded prose being sent my way was probably crafted by a rhesus monkey or equivalent, I still allowed myself to feel a warm glow of appreciation with each reading. So allow me to present to you (in the running trend of critical analysis of things that do not require critical anything) my favourite bits of spam.

Awkwardtreed’s Favourite Pieces of Spam (Not Including The Monty Python Classic or The Picture Below)

Relevant.

1. Generalisations, Compliments, Generalisations and Spam.
I precisely had to say thanks again. I am not sure what I could possibly have created without the entire secrets shared by you relating to this problem. It has been a terrifying matter for me personally, nevertheless spending time with this specialized technique you processed it forced me to leap with contentment. I am just happier for the advice and then wish you are aware of an amazing job that you’re getting into instructing some other people all through your web page. I am certain you’ve never got to know all of us.

Why Is It Spam? Well the obvious spelling errors, lack of anything constructive or specific and the fakt that this ‘commenter’ seems to think I excrete wisdom and life advice. My favourite line in this has to be ‘forced me to leap with contentment’ closely followed by ‘I precisely had to say thanks again.’ Just putting it out there: this is the first time you’ve said thanks nike.sports.pro.gluegun.buy.phonejammer.org.lies56542/sexyladies/starvingorphans/lol.

Rating: 4.5/5.

2. Warnings, Irony and Spam.
Greetings! Nice post ! I see that here will be a awesome debate at the comment section. Warning: Trolls! But you know, I have looked through something really similar to that story at that blog .

Why Is It Spam? The original hyperlink was for a page called freeiphonehackers.com….which, you know sounds legit, but is undermined by the fakt that I have never posted about freeiphonehackers.com ever. So there’s no way you found a simliar story – sorry – really similar story on here bub. But I want to thank you for warning me about the danger of trolls and other people on the Internet who exist only to annoy others by posting irrelevant shit… (Let it also be noted that there was no awesome debate in the comments section as all comments were spam-related).

Rating: 3/5.

3. Jailbait Fail and Spam.
Hey cutie from a teenage girlreader keep up the awesome work.

Why Is It Spam? It’s short. It’s succinct. And it’s spam. It’s refreshing to see such a minimalist piece of spammy prose at play here. However the fakt that someone named Vincent is a ‘teenage girlreader’ is suspect. Although now that I think about Vincent could in fakt be a man who reads teenage girls and I’ve just interpreted the whole thing incorrectly. Actually this second perspective is waaaay creepier. Also I’m 21. Who has a girlfriend. And doesn’t want to go to prison. If you’re trying to seduce me with teenage girls…yeah…bad spam. Bad.

Rating: 2.5/5. Loses points for becoming creepier and creepier the more I anaylse it. Gains points for being succinct enough to be a SpamTweet.

4. Spam, Spam, Spam (Hold The Spam) or Scooby Doo Finale Spam.
Hi you have a great blog over here! Thanks for sharing this interesting stuff for us! If you keep up the great work I’ll visit your website again. Thanks!

Why Is It Spam? On first glance, this reads okay. The alarm bells aren’t ringing. In fact this could be legitimate. Alright so they call my blog a ‘website’ but at least it’s not an attempt to help increase my traffic like the others. And sure some of the syntax is a little off, but hey so was Yoda’s and that bitch was deep. And they would’ve gotten away with it to, if wasn’t for those meddling kids and their damn username of undermining idiocy. Yes this little nugget (chunk?) of spammy goodness was posted by an author who uses the monkier sexdating.co@hotmail etc. Your logic is invalid.

Rating: 4.5/5. And they would’ve had a perfect score too if it wasn’t for the sexdating…oh well…

So there’s that done. Now to go and delete my new ‘friends’…because at the end of the day it is just spam.

Treed.

P.S This post informative. But could be more better information by increasing traffic. Click here to traffic: ifyouclickthisyou’reafuckwit.com.ouch/sexdating/trucks/spam/xoxogossiptreed.

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