Conditions Brought Upon Us By The Olympics

First of all don’t get used to this, two posts in two days is an exception not a rule. I don’t want you getting all this big expectations about me (you’ll be disappointed to discover that I merely a overtly hairy, lanky caricature who has already pegged himself as the guy who likes superhero films a little too much at uni) so I will quash them immediately right here.

Quashing complete. On a side note, I think that quashing is a brilliant word and fits into that category of words that sound like what they are. You know like stroppy or crisp (both of which conjure images perfectly suited to their phonetic phrasings).  Try and work it into at least three different conversations with three strangers this week. If you’re a shut in who speaks only to stuffed replicas of former British Prime Ministers then disregard the above advice and maybe just stick to making some real friends with a working set of lungs.

So the unless you haven’t noticed (in which case there is something seriously wrong with you) the Olympics are on…ruining the sleep of Australians everywhere (well except for those in London who can wake up at a decent hour to watch each event). Bringing me to my first topical post in the from of an A-Z list of malaises striking people down during this Triple X Olympiad (it’s sexier than the last one). You know because A-Z lists of fake diseases are wicked cool.

Olympic Special A-Z of Olympiad Maladies.

A) Athlete’s Shoulder: A shoulder strain brought about by carrying the weight of an entire nation’s hopes and dreams on one’s shoulders.

B) Bad Sport’s Fan-manship: A psychological condition (present in many Australians apparently) that only effects those watching the sport. It causes disgust and lack of interest when your team is competing poorly, and can cause the sufferer to unfairly claim that other team’s are in fakt drug cheats without any evidence to support such a claim.

C) Cyclists Crotch: More common in men, this stems from the restrictive nature of cycling uniforms, specifically around the groin area, prompting comparisons with division symbols and sausages stuffed into tight spaces. Makes for hilarious team photos…

D) Dysentery: That shit’s nasty…and a real thing.

E) Egotis: A general swelling or inflation of the head after inspired games performance.

F) France: A particular strong strain, specifically effecting the results of Australia’s 4×100 Men’s Freestyle Relay team…

G) Gold Poisoning: Michael Phelps is currently having treatment for this rare condition after bagging his 15th gold medal at an Olympic games (taking his total to 19 medals). In other news Great Britain doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of contracting this particular illness.

H) Hockey Hips: Not actually a Olympic illness, just looks like one. Is really the correct name for men owning a pair of large child-baring hips, named after the Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey (Doesn’t Shadow Treasurer sound so much bad-asser?).

I) Insomnia: Not typically associated with the Olympics, there has however been an influx of recorded insomnia cases, particularly from Dad’s sitting up at home by themselves, with the start of the games. In fakt it’s been a pretty bad month for sleep the world over with the Tour finishing up not so long ago as well…thank god the AFL decided to scrap their plans for sunrise matches…

J) Jamaica Me Crazy: Not so much an illness as much as it is a funny pun…

K) Kazakhstanism: A sudden and strong pain in the chest, often compared to a mild heart-attack, brought on by noticing that Australia is being beaten by Kazakhstan in the medal tally.

L) Light Sports Injuries: I’m not sure what this is, I just heard one of the commentators use it the other day. I think it’s talking about injuries that are 98% fat free…

M) Mopey Face: An excruciating facial tic caused by a crippling loss at the games, usually in an event that the sufferer was supposed to win. The tic can be cured quite simply by coming out the next day and carving it up.

N) Nine Hypoxia: This particular affliction is said to come from overt exposure to the annoying ad’s for Channel Nine’s other programs during their games coverage. The ads for Big Brother and Charlie Sheen’s new show are said to be the worst for inducing Nine Hypoxia.

O) Obscure Sporting Hotness (OSH): Not always a bad thing. This describes a competitor in an event who, for lack of a better word, is absolutely banging but is competing in a sport that is not generally respected or viewed by anyone…but thanks to their contributions may suddenly sky-rocket in popularity (have you seen some of those handball players from Norway/Finland?).

P) Part-Time Sports Fever: A strange ailment, that infects a large pocket of world. It seems to target only those who only seem to develop an interest in sport when the Olympics roll round. This fever only tends to last the duration of competition before fading completely and the sufferer will no longer be able to tell you the difference between The Missile and a Bolt, but before could list every single member of the men’s indoor volleyball team.

Q) Quick Call: An illness that effects the commentators who prematurely call an event only for it to go in the completely opposite direction at the final moment, making them look like an idiot. Also known as ‘Premature Elation’ this can be cured by a nasal delivery system.

R) Regretful Tongue: A debilitating illness that is usually caused by a bold and brash statement about one’s performance in an event only for that performance to be painfully underwhelming. Notable examples include the USA’s “Smash you like guitars” statement from the 2000 Sydney Olympics.

S) Swimmer’s Television: Caused by Channel Nine’s belief that the only sport’s featured at the Olympic games are water-based. May cause the viewers television set to become waterlogged. Treatment can come from the land-based reprieve of an equestrian event or athletics coverage.

T) Tennis Elbow: An injury incurred by ‘wannabe’ tennis hopeful, trying to replicate a superstar serve on their Wii at home. May also result in Tennis Elbow Forehead if the overzealous serving action connects accidentally with a bystander’s forehead.

U) Usainity: A feverish feeling of crazed euphoria, brought on by Usain Bolt’s insane athletic prowess. Not to be confused with Usainelousy which is a bitter resentment in the pit of your stomach, brought on by Usain Bolt’s insane athletic prowess.

V) Velovertigo: A strange vertigo-like feeling caused by the weird shape and slope of the Velodrome.

W) Water Polo Nip Slip: Pretty straight forward…pretty damn funny too.

X) Xenophilia: A mental condition that starts out as a slight fascination with another country but slowly grows into a full blown obsession. Often exacerbated by the level of ‘foreign-ity’ of the country in question.

Y) Young Australianitis: A painful migrane like head-ache caused by the overuse of the phrase ‘young Australian’ by commentators and games worshippers.

Z) Ziggzooglazimzammerzoo: I couldn’t think of anything for Z.

So there you go. Hope you enjoyed that and Go Aussies Go.


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